It’s almost like the old curmudgeon is getting whimsical in his old age. I especially like number 3.
Of course he has to go and spoil it at the end by tacking on a moral. But in British pub discussions of US writers that is commonly recognised as a national weakness. 
I'm Harry Brignull, User Experience Lead at Madgex in Brighton. My work involves building experiences by blending User Research, Interaction Design and process consultancy. In the past few years I've consulted for Nokia, British Airways, Vodafone, O2 and many others.
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